My life is fragmented, broken into pieces. I am not in a state of sadness, rather one of confusion as in a way I am trying to put myself back together again and find what unifies these fragments in my mind.

I feel like I am trying to jump and grab these fragments of myself, yet they are just out of reach. I am constantly bombarded with the voices of desire to be a geneticist, writer, theologian and artist, all of which clamor for my attention like street vendors on the vias in Rome. It is like a kind of schizophrenia, except one in which all the voices are good, but you don't know which one to listen to at the moment because you want to listen to them all. I have the desire to do so much with my life, yet I am trying to do it all at one time.

Currently, I am waiting to hear back from eight different cancer research summer internships that I have applied to.  I have no control over anything at this point and for a planner and control-freak like myself, it is difficult. Through this time stuck in a mindless limbo of waiting where all I can do is watch the clouds roll across the sky, I have realized how easily I anchor myself to worldly things to have a sense of clarity and meaning. In examining my constant pursuit of knowledge, I can see how what starts as curiosity becomes a fascination which turns into obsession. This is due to not knowing where I am going to be in the next few years, what I am going to be doing or how I'm going to get there. In a world filled with endless possibilities, I want to leave every possibility open to my pursuit, if I so want it. This leads to fragmentation as I pursue knowledge in many different areas that only cause myself further confusion. Ultimately, it distracts me from my purpose and goal in life, which is to glorify God. 

I am fragmented and broken into pieces, each piece rough round the edges from failure and hurt from trying to do things my own way and in my own time. But Christ picks up those broken pieces. He puts them back together. I may be fragmented on my own, but in Christ I am whole and made new every time I come to the foot of the cross and that is what I cling to in these times of uncertainty.


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